After thirty plus years on a conscious spiritual path, what I have come to know for sure is that my sense of self in this world IS my quality of life. Everything flows forth from my sense of self. It is the lens through which I experience absolutely everything. I am always looking out from who I think I am. I am always unconsciously projecting out what I am not aware is primal inside.
My sense of self is emotionally based and fueled. The mental commentary, though commanding, is secondary. I will always draw relationships, circumstances, situations that will be reflective of my imprinted emotional self. Thinking that you or this makes me feel this way is a partial truth that can trap us in a self-generated story. The things that happen to me are always pointing back to what is unacknowledged and unintegrated deep inside of me. They are roadmaps to my own interior. Though often painful, they will lead me to the emotional residue that is clogging my highest expression. The question is, am I willing to follow?
I feel the impact of what you say to me and how you are treating me. Without diving into delusion I allow myself to fully feel that impact. I allow myself to feel and to stay with my reactivity to you, my messenger. I allow for the anger, for the blame, for the impulse to retaliate. I allow them; I do not act on them. I stay in my body, and I do not continue to feed the story of what you did to me. By staying present, the energy of the impact has the freedom to move and to flow. I blame you just long enough to feel what is happening inside of me. Connecting to and staying with the feelings, the need to blame lessens and lessens until I can own the causal emotion of what got triggered. As I own the trigger as mine, I release you as the source of my pain and suffering. As I release you I begin to become free.
I know beyond mere intellect that my sense of self is my attractor and eventually my liberator. I am here to integrate my early wounding. As I do I am less and less capable of wounding others. I know for sure that if I cannot move beyond blame I cannot heal. That moving beyond is often clunky and unskillful. It is painful and it is can feel relentless. But I know it is necessary.
I am more than willing to have my sense of self revolutionized. I am willing to be willing that my sense of self be Sourced. I am willing to be redefined. To allow Life to show me what I need to see, no matter how painful looking in the mirror may be. I am willing to own my inner experience. I am willing to be strong in letting Life Love me.
Those who have hurt me become my greatest teachers. I do not remain in abusive relationships, and my sense of boundary is clear and non-negotiable. That is not the same as residing in blame and victimhood. If you continue to violate my space you will be removed from my sphere. I will do so, however, with an open and empowered heart.
My sense of self is the quality of my life. It for me has been a constant unveiling and rewiring. It has been central to my spiritual awakening. I know that I must have full and free access to my emotional Beingness in order to know God experientially. I get up every day praying to be more available, more accessible, and more defenseless. When I am anchored in my Sourced Self I am strong, centered, and resilient. I am clear about what I am in Truth. From that inner-space, I can then see the truth of you. Even when you are behaving badly, I can remember you are more. I may not allow your behavior to continue, but I will not identify you with it.
This year perhaps you will join me in engaging in a sense of self revolution. Go deep within and find the places where you flinch. Listen to what you make situations and the way others treat you mean about you. Own it. Take responsibility for it. Feel it, stay with it, release it. Be free with it.
As your sense of self expands so will your experience of Love. Then you can thank your messengers with an open, undefended heart. You can know that you are more for having dealt consciously with them. You can know your sense of self is stronger because you chose for it to be.