Wednesday, March 31, 2010


As hard as I have tried, there is no way for me to escape the cross.

The beginning days of April 2010 bring with them the ending of Passover and the observances of Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and finally the Christian celebration of Easter. As I reflect upon this season, I am more powerfully aware than ever of the transformative power of human suffering, and the role it has played in my own personal emergence. I was born on Easter Sunday, and I have within my astrological chart the pattern of the grand cross. While it has been a number of years since I identified as a Christian, I recognize the lasting impact crucifixion theology has had on my life and my relationship to Source. To be informed at an early and impressionable age that an innocent and “only son” of a punitive God had to die for your sinfulness has lasting unconscious effects beyond the scope of this brief writing. I know from years of counseling with others that religious wounding can have life-long impacts on people who do not consciously deal with and release the psychological trauma these mis-construed teachings have. While many if not most people associated with New Thought spirituality will claim to not believe or be affected by literal Christian teachings, the level of actual mystical engagement would indicate otherwise. The often overemphasis on outer material manifestation, the aversion to the shadow depth of the inner realm, and the resistance to practices of prolonged silence and non-doing contemplation point to an unconscious fear of encountering this uncontrollable Source- Force that can only be met in a deep, prolonged, heartful receptivity. Unconsciously, if this “only begotten son” was sacrificed in a God-ordained act of violence and murder, we certainly may be next if we get too close. Our fear and aversion of our own inner darkness directly reflects the heinous images we have made of this capricious and punitive outer-God. Demands that Jesus “the savior” is the only way to the one Christianized God only exacerbates the whole dilemma. The belief in the need for a cross IS the crucifixion! The belief that a savior is needed IS the perception to be saved from. The notion that there was one holy and human expression of this One unnamable Source is only as accurate as it is inclusive; the historical Jesus is that expression in the same way as is all sentient beings. An enlightened avatar does not a savior make. Our unconscious projections comprise a goodly portion of what we call theology. The crucifixion was a political act, not a religious one. The value in the illustration today is in seeing it as the energy pattern it is for all of us. The crucifixion is the resistance to what is contained within the present moment. It is always perceptual and emotional. It is always interpretive. It is saying that what already is shouldn’t be, and then internally gripping against the object of resistance in emotional reaction. Suffering is the direct result of resistance. While pain and contraction seem to be inevitable in the human experience, suffering is in direct proportion to the level of resistance to the pain we encounter.

This is not to suggest that there was no actual crucifixion and death of the historical Jesus. It also doesn’t exclude the possibility of an actual physical resurrection. Resurrection reports have been prevalent in eastern traditions for centuries. It does, however, lead this writer to acknowledge the Easter holiday more as a celebration of personal inner resurrection here and now. Just as crucifixion is perceptual, so is resurrection. It is the releasing and transcendence of the resistance that keeps us nailed to outer conditions. It is overcoming the power of programming and conditioning, and opening to a Truth that is only available in the depths of our silenced inner being. We cannot think our way out of crucifixion. The crown of thorns symbolizes the added suffering of trying to use the mental realm for what can only be realized in a heartful submission. We may think that the entire paschal schema has no authority over us, and yet in times of deep emotional anguish, how practically available is our Source? Jesus’ cry from the garden “thy will be done” referred to the resurrection and not the crucifixion. Until we transcend emotionally any theology that would indicate otherwise, our true comfort remains a concept. We remain nailed to the often insidious belief in guilt, punishment, and death. Grief and shame are in our unconscious emotional imprinting, and so are lived out in our relationships to ourselves and to others within our world. This is our cross to bear. From whatever religious tradition we may hail, there is no escaping the axis point of the vertical and the horizontal realms. And that is exactly what the cross represents. We must feel into the depths of the emotional crucifixion. We must lie within the stillness of the inner tomb. And in that Presencing, non-reactive spaciousness, resurrection is. That is Easter. It is within. It is here. It is now.

So you see, it is only in the “in-scaping” of the cross that it is escaped. It is in embracing the pain and even the resistance that then leads to our comfort. It is in moving into the religious wounding that leads to its integration and healing. Our pain is indeed a crucible from which may flow our greatest transcendence. We are here to rise above the painful misperceptions of this world and of our Source. Listen deeply within your own wise heart. The resurrection is already there.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010



It is with some frequency that I become aware of the felt-sense essence of this age-old hymn as it softly sings its self in me. It has long been a friend, and the profundity of the simple message is as a comforter on a chilly winter’s night. I notice the religious sounding context, and yet it does not detract from the intimate prayer that this song has become. Perhaps an edit here or there brings it even closer; SPIRIT IS THE LIVING SOURCE, FALL AFRESH IN ME. And there are certainly times, such as is this juncture in my emergence, where only a few of the lyrics seem necessary; MELT ME…

Though I was not reared in a denomination of Christianity that observes the full Lenten season, it has become a precious and personal practice for me since I was introduced to it through the expansive teachings of Charles and Myrtle Fillmore. While it is presented and maintained in very non-traditional ways, I relish devoting forty days and Sundays to a more microscopic introspection of my inner world. There have times in my life when this turning within would have been in service of a prolonged ego-lashing of all that I find wrong with me. I would have symbolically seen myself and my entire life through the smudge of ashes obscuring any type of true vision through the lens of the third eye. I have certainly gone that route, and have found it painful and equally lacking in terms of any true transformational power. I do, however, recognize the elements of my perceptual story that can still torment me when I believe the thoughts and identify with the subsequent emotions. It is to these emotional wounds that I place my unwavering attention during these days of Lent. I ask deeply to be relieved of the bondage of the story of me. I ask that the inner fire of my mystical passion melt the self that seems so separate and distinct from the “Spirit of the Living Source.” I dedicate time and attention to the going within, the only practice I know that creates the space internally to witness the story as it spins and weaves its captivating spell. I am much like the caterpillar, one of the cherished symbols of this Lenten season, that creates a cocoon around itself in order to morph into what it instinctually knows is its destined Beingness. Like that caterpillar, I allow the self to melt into the Essence ooze that may only be tasted in the depths of silent stillness. In a way that humanity and science has yet to ascertain, that melted ooze of the once caterpillar body somehow gives way to a quantum mystery of epic proportion. Within and yet not from that ooze, imaginal cells begin to appear that will collect, gather, coalesce, and eventually differentiate into the form of a winged creature quite different from its multi-legged ancestor. The how of this process is a great secret of nature. The why an even bigger mystery. And yet it occurs thousands upon thousands of times around the globe, generation after generation. And it all begins with a retreating to the within, and a quiet and purposeful melting.

I do not know what it is I am to become in this earthly realm. I only know that something continues to call to me to return repeatedly to the withinness of my Soulful Self. I welcome the surrender that once terrified me, and I celebrate the melting that is the undoing of what I actually never was. I do not have to control this process. In fact, I can’t. I trust that in the ooze of my former self, the imaginal cells of my transcendent Self are creating a Being that will soar above the appearances of my historical story. That is my resurrection. And resurrection requires a death. Only what is not real can die. Only what does not serve will melt. And I allow this work to be done in me as I faithfully wait in the cocoon of my awakened heart.


Tuesday, March 2, 2010


I was astounded when I heard the news report that the recent earthquake in Chile was so strong that it moved the earth on its axis by three inches. It is inconceivable to my intellect, and yet a profound inner knowing tells me that Gaia is demonstrating something very usable to me if I but heed her message. As I have continued to send waves of Living Love Light to the people of Haiti, I include those devastated and displaced by this recent movement of the seismic plates in Chile. I feel more deeply than ever the interconnectedness I know to be our Truth as I watch the agony of those affected. The pain of not knowing what has happened to loved ones is almost worse at a level than facing the actualization that a life has been lost. Their tears are my tears, and their loss a global loss. In a moment of time, two countries will never be the same and lives are forever changed. It awakens the compassion deep within me, and I hold all of these in my wakeful heart.

I do not pretend to understand the dynamics of earthquakes, and the one I experienced personally was too small to garner more than a small amount of curiosity. I do relate these recent events to times in my own life, though, when situations occurred that truly seemed at a felt-sense to rock my inner world and shift me upon my axis. These events left me with the sense that I would never again be the same, and in a very real way, I was not. These were times when the inner-landscape of my consciousness shifted in such a radical way that I was left temporarily stunned and literally unable to function. Nothing inside of me felt the same, and the re-occurrences of after-shocks left me feeling unstable and afraid. The topography of my life had changed, and I grieved what was lost, even as I struggled to open to what might come to be. These were also the times in my life when the most expansion and integration were resultant. These were the times when what was cleared away by circumstance opened the way for something I might not have otherwise entertained. It was after my inner earthquakes that I attended most compassionately to my inner world and to my body. It was after these drastic shifts that I was the least locked into my mind, and most accessible in my heart. In the contemplation that followed, I often found that the things that seemed to be taken away were not carefully considered in the first place. We humans are notorious for not cooperating with the natural order of our earth mother, than cursing the “acts of God” that are the results of our own lack of attention. I recognize my personal history of building something upon my own fault lines of fear, and then being surprised when the structure couldn’t withstand the changing movements of an ever expanding consciousness. I would watch in horror as something fell that I was never really inspired to build. Anything made in reactionary fear is precarious indeed. New modes of construction will not alter this reality of consciousness. As painful as my own seismic movements have been, they have always come bearing gifts that more than compensated for the inner turmoil they engendered. I have come to know in retrospect that these were necessary movements that I had simply not been paying attention to in advance. As I have come to feel more deeply into my own earthen body, I am less surprised by the movements that are actually always taking place. It takes much less of a shift to get my attention. The place on the Richter scale is lessened by a deeper and more intimate level of awareness.

Having spoken of my own inner earthquakes is in no way a measure of “meta-physicalizing” what has occurred in Haiti and in Chile. It isn’t my way of distancing from these beloveds; it is my heart touching those hearts, and sharing from my depths the times when my earth has moved and left me hurting. I write this and share this with a profound sense of reverence and appreciation for the shared beauty of the human condition. I want to be a space of solid earth that they can stand upon now. I want to hold their hands and sooth their hearts. I want to know beyond knowing that beyond the pain, fear, and destruction there is goodness coming forth. I know this for I have seen and felt this in my own inner-experience. The earth will continue to move just as our consciousness continues to change and to expand. This is not so much to be feared as to be embraced. Life is movement, and when we move with these shifts and changes, the destruction and devastation are minimized. For now, let all readers breathe a prayer of Light and of compassion for all those affected around our globe. And let us commit to staying awake to the inner shifts that are seeking to occur within ourselves.