Wednesday, May 30, 2012


I don’t know why the rapid passage of time continues to surprise me but indeed it does. It seems as though I just celebrated the great possibility of a new calendar year and now it almost half completed. The promise of 2012 seems especially pregnant to me, and the pains of contraction and expansion most profound. If in the past I have been able to suppress what my Soul is seeking to express more fully and passionately I am not able to squelch it now. The Universe has me at full attention and is giving total disregard to my discomfort. I am surrounded by synchronicities that only the most obtuse could miss. I am at a stage in my emergence where the collision of my fears with my greatest potentialities is keeping me in an internal tension that will not be denied. I know beyond knowing that what sometimes feels like breakdown is breakthrough of incredible proportion. I carefully walk the tightrope that is strung above the abyss of my past limits, fears, failures, and regrets. In order to keep my balance I must stay focused in a forward direction. I must consciously place one foot in front of the other. I cannot become distracted by the egoic chatter of the surface mind. I cannot become entranced by the projections I see before me, or the naysayers who warn me of what amount to their own past-based fears. I must be vigilant and diligent. I must stay internally directed and heartfully navigated. I must listen within as intimately as if my life depended upon the directions I am hearing.
I dance between the perception that everything is perfect exactly as it is, and there is so much more that I am called to be. Mediocrity is a quicksand that threatens to pull me under. I know that there is more for me to be and I am committed to uncovering that greater potential. My passion for Truth is a fire that if left contained will burn me up and smoke me out. My greatest gifts are yet to be given. I know that to be true. I can feel the velocity moving and growing within me. These gifts must be celebrated, extended, and expressed. They are the reason for my incarnation, and to hold them back would be to refuse to live. I have always known that there was something in me yet not of me that was meant to be given to the masses. Numbers are not the point. Limitlessness is. The stronger the felt-connection to the One Source G-awed of my Being the greater the need to actively live and to give that Source. G-awed is a verb in this earthly realm or it simply is not G-awed. It is a heart that beats and flows forth love with every impulse, every response, and every interaction. It is a love that is all inclusive and ever-expanding. This Source Love is leading me to be all that I meant to be. It is prompting me, cajoling me, encouraging me, and affirming me. It is an infallible GPS though it seems to be playfully hiding the destination. It is a journey to the fully here and now. It is a journey of self revelation and magnified expression. With every moment and every mile marker it whispers “more, my Beloved; there is always, ever more.”
And so in this halfway mark of 2012 it is mine to simply say yes. To feel openly into the present moment and to receptively welcome the gift that it contains. It is mine to own and to relish this life that I have been given. I am drinking deeply from the well of the One Life, and I am gratefully serving of that elixir to others I am led to serve. I pray to be a responsible steward of the One Power that is coursing through me. I allow my presence to be a Light, my power to be a torch. Whatever time I have left I give as a consecration, a testimony to the Power of the One Source as evidenced in one human life.
All that I can be, my G-awed. All that I can be. SEE SITE FOR CURRENT LISTING OF EVENTS, SERVICES, AND WRITING

Thursday, May 10, 2012


I guess I finally let her go the day she married my step-father. I didn’t do so willingly or gracefully. At some barley conscious level I surmised there wouldn’t be room for two men in her life so I tenuously released the grip and left her to her new life. I was already an adult with a man of my own. Yet she had been my best friend, my sustainer, my comrade. We had forged on together through a jungle of crises and catastrophes and came out the other side bruised but not broken. Hand in hand, enmeshed yet not enshrouded, it was time to be the adult son and let my mom be an independent woman and wife. And so I internally detached and claimed my autonomy from this woman who had maintained such complete command over me. I wanted her to finally have the life she had so long wanted. To see her rely on a man who didn’t require her constant attention, dependence, and care. To be freed from the constant rigors of both mothering and fathering three children while also maintaining a job to support us all. I had long known that marriage and motherhood had been her own mother’s decision for her. She had wanted higher education and a single independence. My grandmother saw a good match in my father, though, and so down the aisle she halted. Settling for a new dream she then wanted a husband and home in the old traditional sense. She wanted a boy and then a girl, security and stability with this man she grew to love. What she got was a boy and then a boy, an adopted and troubled girl when nature couldn’t give her the daughter she so wanted, and then a husband with a terminal diagnosis that would send him into a home and her into the workforce. If there was to be stability it leaned upon and into her to provide it. If there was to be security it fell to her to build its walls. I wanted more for her. I wanted more for us all, but especially for her. I tried so hard to make up for the lost dreams and shattered goals. I cooked and cleaned and became a friend and welcoming ear. I garnered good grades and played the role of the good kid with gusto. I knew it wasn’t enough but it was what I could do for her. I wanted to see one glimmer in her eyes that was a testimony to her wants finally being fulfilled. I caught a glance of that at her second and “non-arranged” marriage. And so I walked away and prayed that this time it would be different. That this time it would be better. Softer. Easier. Fulfilling.
In some ways I guess it has been. And yet the circumstances have continued to push, challenge, and stress this now golden-age lady, and the body is mirroring the years of abuse, resistance and wear. The pain is constant, and the demands still relentless. Having capably mothered her grandchild she now watches as her eldest falls prey to a disease not unlike that which claimed his father. There are days where it seems like more than she can bear. I want more for her. I want to take away the pain and shoulder the burdens that so torment her now. I want for her a life that she truly wants. I want to know that though I was an interruption of sorts in her plan my life has brought her some joy amidst so many years of sorrow. I want for her the peace that comes from wanting the life she already has. All of it. Every last messy, infuriating, exasperating bit of it. The age-old problems and the problems of old age. The disappointment and the pain. The remembrances, the regrets, the turmoil, the tragedy, and the triumphs. The interrupted plans and the unexpected jolts. I want her to see how much she overcame and how much she was able to give against incredible and overwhelming odds. I want her to know that though I detached I certainly never left. That though I rebelled, I never really rejected. I want her to know that I still want her as my mom. That as vastly different as we now are in so many ways I will always be a son who wants her as my mother. Just as she is. That her life is my life and it is a life I embrace and want and love. I want her to know that I know, see, and feel the perfection of having her as my mom, even in her imperfections. I want her to know that I know she did her best.
What do I really want for you, Mom? I want peace for you. I want you to relax into a deep and heartful peace. I want you to know deeply how loved you really are. I want you to know you are wanted. You are a part of everything I be and everything I do and share. And I thank you. I want to thank you for letting me know beyond all the circumstances and seemingly contrary evidence that I too was wanted.