A tangible sense of longing has been my almost constant companion from the earliest of ages. I have continually been disturbed by a quiet yet unmistakable voice within that has prompted me to always seek for more. Not necessarily more of something. That would be easy. Just more of an indefinable “isness” that seemed to demand that I stretch the limits of who I thought I was to accommodate its urging. So much of my life was spent in trying to escape this longing: mental identification, self-improvement, trauma-dramas, higher education, relationships, addictions, and geographics. These were the mostly unconscious ways in which I tried to escape the discomfort of not living fully into who and what I was being called to be. As each attempt at denial began to wane, there it was one again; the felt-sense longing of what I now recognize as a Soul in search of expression. I had spent so much time and energy trying to rid myself of this enemy called longing that it never occurred to me that it was coming to me as friend. As mentor. As an energetic call to home. As nothing less than Source.
Though I recognized that longing and desire have in many schools of thought become spiritually incorrect, I decided to finally befriend this constant visitor that apparently wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway. I was graced with the awareness that spiritually incorrect or not, longing is a call that is crucial to our, or at least my, awakening. While many of what we call spiritual truths are at best concepts to be thought, the longing deep within my heart was a consistent abiding sensation to be felt. It was there, active, right in the core of my physiology. It was similar to the longing I have felt for a beloved that has passed away. The thought or the mental memory of the person does nothing to assuage the desire for reunion. It is the feltness of the person that is missing. As I deepened into the longing of my Soul, I felt a kind of homesickness for a place that has no object. I had so much information about Spirit, yet I was longing for a more intimate merging. I desired the embrace of What has Sourced me, and the feel of Who I am. I discovered in a profound way that the longing of my Source WAS indeed my Source. All those years of running from it, even in the name of Truth, had kept the real experience of Belovedness from me. I couldn’t cuddle with a concept. I couldn’t be intimate with an idea. The longing led me to place within my inner realm where I could finally feel the depth and the breadth of true intimate union. Longing was calling me to my purpose: to awaken to the felt-sense experience of Source. To merge into the Higher Truth of my Self. It is within the longing that all longing is fulfilled.
I am living now in a profound appreciation for the longing I so long avoided. It truly fills me with wonder, and also humility. I marvel that within the core of our withinness we are blessed with a sensation that may be at times deadened, but never lost. We may run, yet it is ever there. It is our Self seeking our self. It is the experiential place where Source meets Soul. I was longing for what I have always been.
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