THE BULLY IN HERE

I will be attending an anti-bullying symposium the week of this writing, and I am feeling great appreciation to the pioneering individuals and groups that are finally bringing this horrific practice out for closer public scrutiny. I am beyond grateful to those people who are on the front line in directly helping those on both sides of these abusive patterns. Not that bullying is in anyway new. Yet in an age of high speed internet connection and massive social media it has taken on a sometimes lethal velocity. We are seeing myriad reports of youthful males and females ending their own lives as a direct result of physical, emotional, sexual, societal, gender-based, orientation, and socio-economical bullying and harassment. Even more unreported suicides are occurring and have occurred that are unfortunately then placed into the “troubled teen” anemic category. Because bullying has been a part of childhood and adolescent development for generations in no way lessens the need for its cessation. I am attending this symposium with the intention to discover additional ways that I may directly influence the ending of such needless trauma. I say additional ways because my first line of “non-defense” is always to bring a prayerful attention to the issue and to those I know who are dealing directly with it. I am not in a sphere that includes many or sometimes any youth that are dealing intimately with this painful issue. I do not have children and am not exposed to a lot of kids outside of media reporting. I do also recognize however that bullying isn’t limited to youth, and it also isn’t something that is always occurring from the outside. And that reveals a primary way in which I can directly affect a change to this massive social problem.

It doesn’t take a lot of imagination for those who personally know me to suspect that I myself was a constant target of youthful bullying from about the ages of six to sixteen or seventeen. I was certainly a recipient of further harassment and marginalization beyond those years, but it was perhaps most intense and damaging in my earlier formative ages. I recall vividly the four or five particular school bullies who made me their frequent target. I can still kinesthetically re-experience the dread of the recess or ending school bell when I knew I would have to face my oppressors. I was often terrified walking to and from school, just certain I would cross paths with one or even a group of the guys’ intent on making my life a living hell. I would sit in church on most particularly Sunday evenings and pray with my eyes squeezed shut that Monday would be the day they would finally stop the terrifying treatment. And yet Monday would bring another barrage of jeers, jabs, and humiliations. I was doomed it seemed to be the school sissy, and there were many times I thought I would rather die than face another day of terror.

It took me many years and countless tears to recognize that only deeply terrified people terrify others. Only emotionally abused people turn to the abuse of others. Only those who at some level have been bullied themselves will resort to bullying others. This in no way condones the behavior. But it did lead me to a causal awareness that helped me see my perpetrators in a different light. It also brought me to the rather jarring recognition that though the four or five school yard bullies tormented me for several of my pre/teen years, there was a bigger bully that abused and berated me for a much greater length of time. In a most profound and practical way, I was the biggest bully I ever encountered. I was the one bully that I couldn’t escape on week-ends or summer vacations. My own internal dialogue was berating and abusive for sure. I would have a natural emotional reaction about something that was occurring and immediately go into why I shouldn’t be feeling what I was feeling. I have gone into fearful withdraw more times than I can remember, and have only recently stopped mentally punishing myself for my “ silly and needless” fears. I have internally beaten myself up more than my detractors ever did. I have diminished myself with far greater frequency than any outer opponent. I have judged, criticized, labeled, picked at and generally made my internal atmosphere a living hell. I had an enormous “aha” several years ago when I realized that I often wouldn’t take a risk at something new or challenging because I was so fearful of my own subsequent diminishing critique. It really wasn’t so much others reaction I was afraid of. It was my own.

Our unconsciousness and subsequent unskillfulness is always a result of early childhood wounding. Our grief, fearfulness, anger, and shame all well up from the unintegrated emotional trauma of our early precognitive years. When we then berate the adult version of this unhealed inner child we are indeed bullying the little girl/boy within. By realizing this and committing to making my own inner atmosphere an unconditional safe zone, I directly contribute to a world where bullying will be a bad but distant memory. When I stop trying to kill off parts of my own traumatized self, I subtract energy from the dynamic of self abuse and even suicide. My prayer and my own self healing are powerful ways to help put an end to these painful, traumatic, and tragic occurrences. And right now symposiums and education are indeed also critical. Intervention is crucial. And in addition the bullying has stopped in here. My heart is a safe zone for all of the parts of me- the inner sissy included. And creating a safe zone for me extends as safety for everyone else I interact with. Healing the inner bully means there is no bully to harass or abuse you. My inner world is a playground that is now safe for all and what is within is destined to become an outer reality.

SEPTEMBER RADICAL EXPRESSION

I recently returned from a speaking engagement in New York City, undoubtedly one of my favorite places on the planet. I was blessed to live there for a number of years, and it will always hold a special place in my heart of hearts. Its specialness for me lies not in its culture, attractions, architecture, cuisines, or diversity. It is special to me because it did and does represent an aggregate of possibility unparalleled in this country and perhaps even in the world. There is a buzz that is present there beyond just the roar of transformation forms, construction sites, and closely packed people. For much more than a century, people have come to New York from all over the world and all over this nation in search of the realization of a dream. People have flocked to this cement jungle to live out a freedom they couldn’t seem to demonstrate in the place of their origin. They have in many cases faced their greatest fears for the chance to give their greatest gifts. Countless individuals have risked it all for just the chance of taking a bite of the mighty Big Apple. For sure many hearts have been broken and fantasies shattered in the process. As the popular lyric promises “if I can make it there I’ll make it anywhere…” New York City is a formidable opponent as I came to personally find out. But possibility masquerades itself in many forms and for me the reason I had thought I made the big move to the biggest city was not at all the reason I was called to be there. While it seemed the possibility of a dreamed of career was my instigating attractor it was a whole new way of living that was born in me during my tenure in Gotham. I came to learn that the possibility I felt as I pounded the pavement and pursued my dreams was deep within me and not so much in what appeared to be the lure of this magical city. There is indeed an undeniable collective energy of opportunity and a palpable passion. That energy touched something in me that had begun to be dormant and grossly under-attended. I had gone as far as I could go in the Midwestern city of my birth, and it seemed that my chosen profession was demanding a bigger arena in which to flourish. I came to learn that it wasn’t at all the case. My Soul did have another agenda that could best be fulfilled in this place of profound populous, and it was a possibility that transcended the surface reasons for which I thought I was there. I came to New York to grow up and to grow open.

One of the many things I love about revisiting this magical place is that it is the perfect container for me to check into my current sense of what is possible for me in this Universe of Infinite Possibility. To reiterate, I am clear that possibility lives in me and not so much in a geographic location. And there is a collective consciousness in places like New York that vibrate at the frequency of the concentrated mass. Thousands of people passionately pursuing possibility creates a vortex that can be quite literally felt if we are paying attention to our energy systems. On this recent visit I could feel more acutely the inertia of tribal agreements around aging pressing into my sense of what is still possible for me at this point in my journey. I was a dancer and a performing artist during the bulk of the time I spent in New York. Attending a couple of Broadway musicals brought back the memory of a flexibility and stamina not present in my physicality today. I no longer have the youthful energy to do the literal hours of walking I once did. And yet there remains a sense of renewal and possibility that I courted as I walked the familiar streets and drank in the exuberant energy. It is true that I am doing it a bit more slowly these days. And the collective sense of yes reminded me that what is in effect today does not define what is still possible in my continued emergence. The city reminds me that I have still have dreams to realize, and gifts to give. I am still alive within a field of vibrating, pulsing, unlimited life, and that life is always seeking to live more fully as me. The forms of my expression have changed and altered through out the years. Being back in New York and having the opportunity to lecture in a theatre that is also home to a tremendous and enthusiastic Unity congregation brought me to s deeper realization than ever that I am now clearly doing what I came to this planet to do. I am giving my greatest gifts from the deepest place within me. The possibility of Spirit flows through my open heart and into inspired words that then touch and empowers those who are in attendance and that choose to listen. They are moved to feel the possibility that is vitally alive in them. They are challenged to come more fully into their own highest sense of what is possible individually and collectively, and to confront the programming that may have been holding them back

It was for a whole new and deep spiritual connection and living felt-reality that I was led to the city that never sleeps, and I have never been more centered and relaxed in who I am. New York remains for me a reminder of what is possible and what is worthy of pursuit. The form of that will be perhaps different for all of us, but the journey to the core of our own being is a Universal journey. Traversing the road to fulfilling our dreams and desires is what teaches us who and what we are in practical and useful ways. The sense of possibility that is the very essence of aliveness is an infallible GPS. It is ever active within us and it is for us to awaken to its call. What dream did you perhaps long ago suppress, and what might be possible if you gave it the attention that will fan the flame of its realization? What inner call have you tried to deny, and are you willing to risk the comfort of mediocrity for the aliveness inherent in saying yes to your heart? What is still possible for you in your life, and are you willing to expand your probability to step fully into Sourced possibility?

It’s up to you. The possibility is ever and always in you.