PROCEED WITH CAUTION

We are definitely on each other’s nerves.

Have you noticed?

I am in what I consider to be a unique and very blessed position in life. Being in a serving vocation is an honor and a privilege that humbles me daily. While most think of me primarily as a platform speaker that is for me the least important function of what I am grateful to do. Many if not most people keep me somewhat at bay in terms of their deeper experiences. That is one of the drawbacks that comes from platform work. It is exacerbated in these times by the fact that I am speaking to far more people virtually than I am in person. There is also the human tendency to want to appear that everything is good, and if not, that we can at least deal with it all with composure and unflappability. I find this especially prevalent in New Thought spiritual circles. I think of this as maintaining the “church face.” While I am not here to judge this dynamic, I also know it does not lead to integration and healing. Pretense is, well, pretense.

There are also courageous souls who, when asked, will share with me what is really going on for them. And in these turbulent times that is, generally speaking, quite a lot.

What is happening in our world and between each other is getting on our nerves. And some of us are really taking notice.

While I do not consume large quantities of media, I have seen several reports of public eruptions in restaurants, on airplanes, and in numerous public settings. These are being called unprecedented incidents. Many are rude at best and violent at worst. Seeing the footage is for me shocking for sure. And yet is also understandable.

We are on each other’s nerves because we have not attended to our own.

The collective shadow is presenting itself in record ways. We are seeing the result of decades if not centuries of suppression and denial. We have not to any large degree committed to doing our individual grief and trauma work. It has festered and augmented, and the lid is blowing off. Our deep grief has become a volcanic rage. What might have been attended to while it was manageable is now explosive and disproportionate to the inciting incidents. It will only be denied for so long, and the gig is up.

Pass the salt can get you killed.

Projection and blame seem to place the internal pain out and away from where it really lives- inside our own hurting hearts. Displacing it is a momentary and ineffective fix. Screaming at a slow waiter or verbally pummeling a flight attendant does nothing to address the pain and emotional anguish that is the effect of years of internal neglect. While others may trigger us there must be a button within us to push. The less inner work we have done the more velocity there will be when the wall breaks and the dam bursts. Some of the scariest people I know have pasted smiles and affirmative slogans. The smiles are waning, and the affirmations are shrieking. If we all do not get real soon this current crisis can only get worse. More erratic and more explosive. More virulent and more violent. Service workers may soon be wearing bullet proof vests.

Oh, we are definitely on each other’s nerves.

So, friends, there is still a pandemic.

There is ideology identification and extreme political division.

There is racial inequality and dehumanizing legislations.

There is extreme poverty and inequality.

These are just some of the things we are facing in our world. There is collective disturbance and division at perhaps record levels. We are disconnected from our selves and from each other.

Then layer on top of that collective trauma the personal losses, hurts, disappointments. Is it any wonder that levels of depression are at an all-time high? We need to be connected to our own pain, and then have a place to share it directly and honestly. To come out of hiding, at least to someone who will listen, see, hear, hold, empathize and embrace us with our struggle. Someone who will not try and fix or correct us. Someone who has earned the right to our more intimate inner spaces. These people are rare. Rare and precious. When we have no place to express what is happening for us the alternatives are to become depressed, or to express in rageful and inappropriate ways.

The alternative is to blame who and what seems to be triggering our last nerve. And this is what we are seeing. And what definitely is not working.

I am writing this missive for those who are struggling and know they are struggling.

I write this for those who may be disturbed, depressed, and even despairing.

I write this as my perhaps feeble way to tell you it is okay to feel those things. It’s a chaotic, disturbed, and aching world. There is a lot of pain, tragedy, inequality. The fact that you are hurting is proof perfect of your humanity. Of your sensitivity to our shared experience. When you are living in a container such as ours, and then personal challenges are added to the mix it is hard. It is damn hard. And it is not insurmountable.

Our collective mental health is at stake. And there is a direct and inseparable connection between our mental health and our spiritual resources and resilience.

These times are undeniably taxing. Pushing away the pain only leads to more projection. More projections ultimately lead to more eruptions. Leaning into the pain will lead to integration and transformation. And this deep level individual healing will slowly and surely alchemize the collective pain and generational trauma.

It is possible to feel the pain while you pray. In fact, this is deep, intimate, transformative prayer.

It is possible to lean into the pain and not get lost. Leaning into the experience lets you know that you are the one that is leaning in. You are not the pain.

It is possible to navigate a mine-filled world and maintain your own sense of autonomy. Watch where you step. Sense the energy around you. Pause before reacting. And proceed with caution.
,br> We are on each other’s nerves.

Notice. And proceed with caution.

And ask for help. For the sake of all of us ask for help. Stoicism is highly over-rated.

And know that I am here. I spend an hour a week on that platform. It leaves me plenty of time and lots of space to join you in your heart.

PUSHING THROUGH

I am not a fan of pushing through.

I know firsthand the resulting pain

I was taught to push through as a way of relating to life and to its circumstances. It was an invariable modus operandi for sure. Whatever was happening, just push through. There was nothing that could not be shoved aside if you only pushed hard enough. Persistently push, ignore the pain, and do it with a smile upon your face.

I was not, however, taught what to do when you simply had no more push left inside.

As I watch with so much of the world the painful journey of Simone Biles I do so with great empathy and admiration. I will never know the kind of pressure this young woman is experiencing. I have not been and never will be on such a worldwide stage. As she describes the pressure of feeling as if the weight of the world is on her shoulders, I can only connect to how that has felt at the level of my own experience. I am no Olympian. I possess no skills or talents that would compare to what this phenomenon is capable of demonstrating. I have repeatedly watched her in complete wonder. I clearly remember feeling deeply for her when the 2020 games were postponed due to Covid. I selfishly hoped she would make the choice to continue on when the games were finally allowed to be held. I read of her misgivings, and yet I wanted her to be the overcomer I perhaps perceived I would never be.

I guess I unconsciously wanted her to push through when I myself had learned that the force-against strategy was not always for the best.

I am sorry, Simone.

You see, I was taught that pushing through no matter what was an outward sign of inner strength.

I thought I had learned that the forcing-dynamic was a fallacy that most often resulted in pain and thwarted intentions. And in fairness to myself, I have learned it to a level. Yet watching and listening to Biles not only withdraw herself from what she gleaned would be a dangerous level of force but also publicly articulate why she was doing so opened a whole new level of awareness for me. I have learned to listen within and to know when pushing would be painful and even hazardous to myself. I have not been so good at openly saying why I am doing so.

If any of us doubt the depth of the remaining stigma regarding mental health issues this is a perfect demonstration of it in real time.

The fact that Ms. Biles would state that her reason for withdrawing from the group finals was her present mental state is simply stunning. It is bravery at its best. It is only augmented by the association she made between her mental and physical states. She refused to betray herself regardless of the pushback she knew she would receive. At age 24 she demonstrated the wisdom that gave way to knowing that if she pushed through her mental dissonance, it would likely result in physical injury. This is courage. This is self-compassion at Olympic levels.

Simply breathtaking.

I of course have no way of knowing what familial programming has informed the life and expression of Simone Biles. I can watch and see an incredible amount of discipline, drive, and commitment. Those are not foreign to my own life experience, though they have clearly been demonstrated in very different ways. What was clearly on display this week, however, is the distinction between discipline and a blind level of drive. What I saw was the discernment to not let commitment become injurious control. A dedication to being whole is more important than compartmentalizing in the name of performance. If she never performs another routine, she has stayed true to herself. For that I give her a gold medal. And a heaping dose of gratitude.

It is seductive in our culture to think that pushing through at any cost is a virtue. Taking the bull by the horns is admired far more than staying out of the ring. And I fully prescribe to the fact that there is a balance to be struck. But most of the suffering and exhaustion I have experienced in my life is because I have applied pushing through when in fact I needed to pause and let be. Non-doing is not admirable in our world today. We are a people who are driven to make it happen. Doingness bias is epidemic. Our minds are constantly busy, and so it is reflected in our activities. We are troubled, and we do not want to stop and simply admit that it is so. We go on pushing, and the mental-emotional toll is enormous. And it is then reflected in our bodies.

I have found myself caught in the tendency to try and push through this time of pandemic distancing. I have watched myself dog myself in terms of questioning whether I am doing enough to serve during this time. And I am grateful to at least be at a place in consciousness that knows I am watching. I am surrounded by people who employ the keep doing more strategy. “It’s not working so do more of it”. As I type the words, I clearly see the insanity of it. Yet in my desire to serve I can easily get caught in the spin and in the push. Even with personal tragedy occurring I can get kidnapped in the pushing through mentality. And the pushing through mentality is simply not good mental health. The illusion is that the push reduces the pain. I assure you that it is indeed an illusion. Anything you push against will always push back.

After decades of pushing through I personally am all about deeper listening, discernment, and inspired ease. I am daily checking in with my current mental health state. I attend to my Spiritual health by non-negotiable meditation, prayer, and presencing. When I find myself pushing, I trace back to what is behind it. I feel into my body, exploring how my mental state is being reflected in my physicality. I question what is driving me, and if it will result in what is highest and best for me. I do this knowing that what is highest and best for me will be what is highest and best for all.

I am grateful to not have the eyes of the world upon me. I am grateful to have no more mountains to climb or achievements to strive for. I am not out to win any medals. I am content to watch those who can and often do.

And I am deeply appreciative of one young woman who knew when to step back from the pushing through. Who gave us all an incredible example of courage, authenticity, and wisdom.

I thought at the beginning of the games that Simone Biles would be the biggest winner of them all. And indeed, for me, she already is.

Yet another example of why I am not a fan of pushing through.