As I begin to type these words I feel a pressure in my chest that I can easily identify. It is the impulse, the desire, the need, the pressure of the pent up passion of fully giving expression to what is most precious, vital, and sacred within me. I have had a deep and quenchless thirst for the Beloved my entire life. Though I have been sidetracked and hoodwinked countless times, life has for me always come back to this same wanting. It is indeed a tireless longing for the direct experience of my Source.
My late spiritual director once told me I expect too much from my spirituality. I will always love and respect her and yet that it is a point we never did agree on. While I thought I was here on this planet to do and to accomplish many things, my top priority has always come back to the mystical merging I know I am meant for. I spent too many years expecting not too much but far too little. Stories of long dead avatars are informative and fine, but I want my own inter-relationship. Way-showers are great for pointing the way, but no other person or intellectual map can replace the intimate encounter I know is my birthright. Rilke invited his students to find their “I must” in life, and then to pursue it relentlessly. I know what “my must” is. I have always known what my I must is. It is a life rooted in my Source, and a subsequent expression that shines forth into all my encounters and activities. My I must is not a thing I do, but neither is it devoid of it. Awakened activity is a powerful force. It is a calling When I do from my True sense of Being I am unstoppable.
And so we are collectively stepping through an enormous energetic portal at this time in our collective evolution. I feel it. I think we all feel it. An old age has ended, and a new one is being birthed. Some of us will go through this birth consciously, and some will remain yet longer in the trance. I know I was born for this time. I know I was born to be freed from the story of unworthiness, shame, addiction, depression, and self-aversion. I know my transcendence is up to me yet it is not for me alone. Self aversion is very self absorbing. Fearful withholding only seems to be the effect of depression. It is actually the cause. Being a prisoner in my own programming was the real hell, though I was taught hell was a God-ordered punishment after death. Being locked in my own limiting beliefs, unable to give freely the love I was meant to give, WAS hell. It was the real punishment. It had nothing to do with a God sentence. It was completely self-induced. I was not living on purpose and the result was a level of suffering that could not be denied or endured. I have a strong human threshold for pain, but the drive of my Soul is far stronger.
The gig is up. I know I can no longer hide in fear. I can no longer stay in that old sad story of the powerless and pitiful separate me. I can no longer pretend to be less than I incarnated to be. I am here to shine, to serve, to let my life be a story of overcoming and transcendence. And I am here to uplift you as well. As I come to know more fully my own Sourced splendor I come to know yours as well. And when you forget who and what you are I am here to be a loving reminder. I am here to shine my Light into your temporary darkness. I will compassionately listen to your habitual self-stories, but I will not for a moment believe them. You and I have suffered long enough. The world has suffered long enough. And it’s beyond time to stop billing suffering as the will of God. Source could never will us to suffer or it would be suicidal. Source is the end of suffering. The end of suffering is Its I Must.
I am done playing small for fear of being somehow exposed or misunderstood. My Source is greater than any ego story. This is the time for a mass spiritual awakening, and I am devoted to playing my part in this great myth of illumination. I feel myself typing faster and faster and I feel the pressure in my chest becoming words and ideas and creative expression and inspiration. The velocity of “my I must” is moving me forward filling me up. Whatever else I may actively do during this incarnation I devote myself first to enlightened Beingness. I dedicate myself to being a force for peace and compassion. If I begin to slide back into the old habitual story I will stop and I will reconnect to my Soul’s purpose here on earth. I will remember that I am here for something much bigger than myself. I will synch back into my I must, and I know my vision will clear and my mission will sharpen. I must be who and what I came here to be. I must shine the Light of awareness and the frequency of love into all of my moments, into all of my interactions, into all my doingness.
The time has come to fully become my I must. And there is no turning back.