PRIMARY PURPOSE

“I don’t have a purpose anymore.”

The aftermath of open-heart surgery was not nearly as impactful as how that statement landed in my chest.

I took a deep breath. I looked into those eyes and saw the sincerity and I saw the sadness.

This man that I love so deeply. This man that has graced this planet for more than seventy-five years. This man who has helped so many people in so many ways. This man who has done so much. This man who has given so much.

And now this man cannot do what he used to do. He cannot do the simplest of tasks. He cannot reach out to help or give to others. And so by contrast he feels he has no purpose.

I perceptually understand where he was coming from. I also understand he was coming from a faulty premise.

He had thanked me for doing something, and I authentically responded that doing for him is part of my purpose. I meant that. I feel that. I celebrate that, even when it feels difficult or overwhelming. What I do not feel is that my ability to do for him is my only purpose. What I do not feel is that his inability to do for me lessens in any way his purpose. Our expression of purposes has shifted. Yet it does not get to what our primary purposes are.

“I don’t have a purpose anymore.”

I did not correct or seek to change his statement. I held his gaze as I deepened down into my own internal pain-filled response. I waited until authentic words filled my heart and made their way quietly through my tender voice.

“Sweetheart, your adorable, sweet, loving self is your purpose. Your purpose is to spread the beauty that is you to others. You bring joy to so many by simply being who you are. That is your purpose.”

He seemed to take it in and let it land. At least to some degree. Knowing him he will grapple with the notion that what he is, is his gift to the world. It is often said that we are the last ones to know. I believe that is true for my beloved. I guess that if he walked around trying to be adorable, he would only be annoying. It is the natural sweetness that emanates from him that makes him so infinitely appealing.

The exchange reminded me that the primary purpose for any of us is not found in what we do. Our purpose is not diminished when we do less, any more than it is augmented by doing more.

Our primary purpose is to love.

Our primary purpose is to let every single moment of our lives be an opportunity to be, to give, to share the love that we inherently are. We know that this is true because we never feel more resonant than when we are streaming love. Holding a space of love. Listening and speaking with love.

I have had a relatively busy day. That fact does not make me feel more purposeful.

I have consciously infused much of what I have done today with love. And that is what makes what I have done today feel very purposeful indeed.

And so, my darling, I understand that being able to do radically less than you used to do is making you feel less purposeful. I hear you. I feel your heart. I honor what you are experiencing.

And I beg you to reconsider.

Your sweet, loving, adorable presence makes you purposeful in ways transcendent of anything you could or cannot do. You bring joy with that incomparable, radiant smile. You tenderly touch and open hearts by simply being that wondrous, one of a kind you.

And you, dear reader. Yes, you.

Let this missive serve as a reminder that what you do does not make your life purposeful. It does not make you more or less valuable. You do not need to earn your worth.

Your purpose is simply to be the love you are. The love you intrinsically are. The love you already are. Know that, and then do what you do from that knowing.

To live a life of love is to live a life of purpose.

The love you already are is non-negotiable. It is your birthright. It is your purpose for being here. And it never fades.

No matter how little you do.

DREAMS THAT AWAKEN

“What did you dream of being earlier in your life?”

There are questions that stop a conversation before they initiate one.

I was having dinner with my husband Donald and a dear friend the other evening when the preceding question arose in my heart and came out of my mouth.

“What did you dream of being earlier in your life?”

I will not share in this public forum the answers that were given after a somewhat stunned silence. It was a rich, beautiful, meaningful conversation that continues to sing within my being. Most of my readers know that my beloved Donald has Lewy Body dementia, though he remains cognitively high functioning. Yet it was clear that while there is a level of forgetfulness for him dreams are always remembered. Many things can be taken from us but not the memory of what was virtually vital, moving, exciting.

I have shared before that most of my earlier dreams never actually came true. At least not in the way I thought they might. What did happen and what is crystal clear to me now is that the pursuit of my dreams led me not to their actualization but to what was more in alignment to my Souls purpose. Going after my dreams led me geographically to places where exactly what I needed was available and attainable. I met the people who would be most instrumental in helping me to see what I needed to see. I learned the exact right skills I needed to learn. There were opportunities that would have only opened in seemingly unrelated situations.

I had a lucid dream when I was a small child that changed my entire life. It was truly a revelation. Without going into details, I went to bed one person and was jolted awake by a dream, awakening as a truly different person. Even as a child I knew I would never be the same. I knew at a deep level that I would never fit into my family or cultural structure. I knew I was born for something different. What is perhaps most striking about this occurrence was that I was not afraid. The sense of aloneness in terms of my path felt right and true.

It has always felt right and true.

That was the truest dream of all for me. Oh, I had exciting dreams of what was possible. I had a level of talent that I cultivated and honed. I thought it would lead me to a life of accomplishment, even fame. Fortune. Awards. None of that really happened. And now I understand that all of that would have been in the category of booby prize.

I giggle to myself when I ponder that I am glad I never really made something out of myself because then I would have had to maintain that. I would have endured the pressure of trying to stay relevant. It would have been a constant striving for the next job.

I was never meant for that.

And so, my dreams were a map to a life beyond my dreams.

That does not mean I did not feel disappointed or discouraged. It does not mean I did not grieve what I thought was in store.

I did grieve. Indeed.

And that grieving was an essential part of the path to a deeper, broader fulfillment. I picked up the pieces of my broken dreams and formed a whole new vision for what was possible for me. Of what was essentially and authentically my part in this Masterwork called life. I recollected my talents, gifts, abilities and asked to be shown where, when, and how I might use them on behalf of something greater than myself.

I became clear that much of my dream for status, fame, fortune was in reaction to never feeling like I was enough. I did not grow up with almost any approval or affirmation. I wanted applause to drown out the condemning voices so prevalent in my head. I wanted bright lights to shine upon me because I did not yet know the Light that was meant to shine from within me. I wanted to stand out from the crowd because I secretly felt I didn’t belong anywhere and with anyone.

Just as that dream-revelation of my childhood jolted me awake the loss of my goal-like dreams gradually led to an awakening that never would have happened if I had realized the surface life I was dreaming of.

The stage lights would have obscured my inner light. The cheering would have drowned my inner voice. The striving to remain relevant would have distracted me from the true calling of my Soul.

I am certain that there are people for which that would not be true. They can have the applause and the awakening. And I am clear that would not have been the case for me.

I am clear that my dreams led me to my greatest joy and most wondrous fulfillment. And that happened because they did not come true. In not coming true they led me to a life that has had a lot of struggle yet also a vast amount of overcoming and subsequent service. I have never fit in. And I belong to myself in ways that are beyond my dreams.

And so dear readers, “What did you dream of being earlier in life?”

And did those dreams come true?

And whether they did or not to what did the pursuit of those dreams lead you?

May you know, dear ones, a life beyond your wildest dreams.

May your dreams awaken you to what you were always meant to be.