This only for the sake of this.
Now only for the sake of now.
Here only for the sake of being here.
What an incredible liberation.
For most of my years everything I planned, thought about, did, achieved was always for the sake of something else.
Education was for the sake of what I would do with it later, when I was finished with school.
Working was for the sake of what I would do with the money, especially after work, on weekends, and on vacation.
Time was generally spent dedicated to ensuring that one day I would have more time to do what I really wanted.
Relationships were largely for the way they made me feel when they were going well. Otherwise, they were for the sake of fixing the way I didn’t like feeling. You were a way of achieving a perceived inner rightness. Unless you made me feel wrong. Relating was indirectly a means to an end. When I didn’t like the relating the interacting would end.
Youth was spent wishing I was older. I perceived that being older meant I would get to do what I wanted. Being older meant freedom.
Being older began at least by wishing I was younger so that I had the stamina and energy to use the freedom I finally obtained by indeed becoming older.
Then I saw how much of my life had really been a means to an end.
And I wept.
The weeping was not to get or be or do something else. I didn’t weep as a prerequisite for some other experience. It was a raw kind of weeping simply for the sake of weeping. Simply for the experience of allowing the tears to clear my eyes and mind of the compulsion to live for “when, then.” Weeping to wash away any notion that there was a better moment than just this moment. That there was a better place to be than actually being here. That there was something better to be doing than what I am doing now. Weeping not for a purpose. Yet in simply allowing the tears a purpose was in fact fulfilled.
I realized my life is not a means to an end.
I also realized my spirit-life was not a process of fixing what was broken. I found that I will never be more spiritual than I am right now. That realization allowed me to really experience it.
I realized awakening was not about changing what I am or how I am wired, programmed, conditioned. I realized that awakening is really just knowing all of those things and being absolutely, completely, unconditionally okay with myself just as I am.
Now.
Not when this happens or that gets fixed or I have more time, money, friends, education, awakening. Not when I am somewhere else with someone else being something different than I currently am.
Now this.
As is.
This only for the sake of this.
Now only for the sake of now.
Here only for the sake of here.
Writing these words only for the sake of writing these words.
My life has radically simplified with the editing of one two letter word.
I have moved from living in “if only.”
To “only.”
No longer if.
Only.
Only.
I am free.
