She is gone too soon.
In saying that I also recognize that I may be attempting to write this too soon.
My friend Bonnie died Saturday evening.
I seek not to soften that reality by using words such as passed, crossed over, or transitioned.
My friend Bonnie died Saturday evening and she died too soon.
She is gone too soon.
I seek not to soften the raw reality of the too soon experience with spiritual by-passes and lofty ideals.
I know that in the Absolute the Essence of the person I knew has gone back into the quantum and lives on as eternal Spirit. I do not need to be reminded of that by those unable to sit with me in this devastating loss. I know that the spirit goes on. I know that at a level the spirit is still here. It is not the spirit that I grieve. It is the person. The spirit is here yet the person, the friend, the wondrous human that was Bonnie is now gone. And it is the person, the friend, the wondrous human that I am just beginning to grieve.
The person, the friend, the wondrous human is gone too soon.
Too damn soon.
My friend Bonnie was really and truly one of a kind. She was a complete original. As authentic as anyone I have ever known. She was real. Really real. Refreshingly real. Probably for some unnervingly real. You did not have to wonder how she felt about something. No pretense. Upfront. Right there. Caring yet unflinching. Tender yet appropriately tough. If it needed to be called out Bonnie called it out. She was all about right and wrong. Not that she decided those factors for others. But what she saw as right and what she saw as wrong she spoke to. Especially in regard to inequality and injustice. Bonnie had a well-defined sense of justice, and she devoted her life to defending and serving what she saw as just. What she saw as equal. What she saw as humane and true. And she did not stop at speaking about it. She put her time, her resource, her energy, and passion into it. Her words and her actions were congruent.
Bonnie was brilliantly smart. Wickedly funny. Fierce. Loyal. Loving. Caring. Compassionate. Honest. Fiery. Faithful. Forgiving.
Forgiving.
The realness of Bonnie was what made her so available to forgiveness. She did not pretend that things were alright when she clearly did not think that they were. She spoke out. She often spoke up to speak out louder until she knew that she was heard. She allowed the fire in her to rise and to flame, and then she let that fire be the light that led her into the avenues of forgiveness and mercy. Bonnie was not afraid to get messy. To be messy. To splash around in the messiness. To invite others into the messiness for the sake of inner clarity. Even when she doggedly thought she was right she was willing to be wrong. It was not ambiguity. It was an assertiveness and bravery to pursue what was true whatever the cost.
Talented, passionate. Articulate and adventurous. Generous and giving. My God, Bonnie was generous in every, every way.
Bonnie was incredibly strong in spirit. And Bonnie was often weak within the flesh. While her health might have slowed her down it never stopped her for long. She would rise again, pursuing her passions and embodying her values. When others would have given up Bonnie chose to give even more.
I write these words with as much clarity and conviction as I have ever put into words: The world is a better place because Bonnie lived.
The world is a better place because Bonnie lived.
Lived.
And my friend Bonnie no longer physically lives.
She is gone too soon.
For all my years of meta-physical knowing I am personally not ready for Bonnie to be gone.
I risk speaking this raw yet relevant truth in a public forum: my heart wants her back.
She is gone too soon, and I want her back.
That is what is true in my heart today.
A mutual friend told me that she was not done with Bonnie. I so get that. I will never be done with Bonnie. Never.
It is too soon for platitudes so please spare me those.
I am sure of a few things in this oh so early stage of engulfing grief:
My friend Bonnie has died, and she is gone too soon.
The world is a better place because my friend Bonnie has lived.
I am a better person because my friend Bonnie was indeed my friend.
I already see ways in which I can be a living memorial to her memory. I can be more authentic, real, compassionate, caring, uncompromising, fiery, feisty, bold, generous, outspoken. I can amp up my game for a more equal and just world. I can go even more deeply into the muddy messiness for the sake of uncovering the something greater.
Bonnie is gone too soon. Yet she lives on and forever in all she gave during the relatively brief tenure of her years. She lives on in the countless people she helped and served. She lives on in her brilliant and accomplished sons. She lives on in her equally incredible husband. The impact she and they have made humbles and inspires me. I love her. I love them. I will always love her. That will never become past tense.
I love you, Bonnie, and you are gone too soon.
Though she was a much better writer than I, I also know she is watching with love as I tearfully fumble with these words. It was, indeed, too soon to write. Yet I needed to begin to express the cascading feelings that are pulsating through me. I needed to say out loud:
She is gone too soon.
I will forever love you, Bonnie.
Forever.
