Uh oh.
One of the greatest realizations I have ever had is that I lived much of my life in a state of uh oh.
Uh oh.
The realization was the beginning of liberation.
But just the beginning.
Uh oh.
Without sharing the gory details of why, my life story has unfolded in and from what I can best describe as a context of uh oh.
Uh oh.
Can you get a sense of what I am describing down in your body? It isn’t a concept or a thought, though I am using them to point to the experience. It is felt. It is vague yet somehow specific. It is fear-based. It is concentric and consuming.
Uh oh.
I bet you can get some sense of it if you allow. I think we all have some of it. I do not think it is unique to me. I can only claim my dose of it, though I frequently can recognize it in others. Especially those who want to pretend they don’t have or know it.
Uh oh.
Uh oh is a sense that something bad is going to happen. Something that I cannot ward off or handle when it occurs. It is mostly a sense that what I am is that something bad. That life is going to punish me in some way. That I will be hurt yet again. That I will be found out. That the sense of self that I have so tried to hide will be apparent to everyone. And that I will be left alone in the realm of uh oh.
Uh oh.
I bet you think you know how this is going to go. I realized I lived in uh oh, and in realizing it I made it go away. No more uh oh.
Uh oh.
That isn’t how it has gone.
The realization of the contextual uh oh has given me enough awareness that I no longer am ruled by it. Uh oh has not gone away, though there is less of it. The awareness gives me space to relate to it. I know I have a sense of uh oh, so uh oh almost never has me. I am far less likely to project it onto others and to circumstances because I know it is a part of my imprinted make up. It is part of my lens. My prescription. I do not deny or identify with it. So, uh oh is a part of me. It is not me.
Uh oh.
Should I be revealing this? Am I saying too much? Is it clear? What will you think?
All symptoms of uh oh.
Just symptoms.
Uh oh used to run the show. Shut me down. Hold me back.
No more.
Now I feel the uh oh as a familiar friend that is here, accepted, and even embraced. In that embrace, I feel it and I express anyway. I consciously turn the uh oh into an oh awe.
Should I post/send this?
Uh oh.
Oh, awe.
Post. Send.
Free.
