Somebody I did not know died today.
Alright. Many people that I did not know died today. Many people die everyday that I do not and never will know.
I just do not want to be one of them.
Not that I do not want to die. That is inevitable and knowing the inevitability actually allows me to live more fully.
I just really want to know myself fully and completely before I die. And I want to be known for what and who I really am beyond other people’s interpretations and stories of me. The only way for that to happen is if people really know themselves. Then it can be clear where you begin, and I leave off. I genuinely want to know that distinction so that I may navigate a deeper connection.
I want to know me before I die. I want to know you before you die. And I want you to know me before I die.
Know me. Know you. Deeply. Fully. Intimately. Below the surface and above the story. Beneath the veneer of who we think we have to be. It takes courage. Fortitude. Bravery. Time.
It indeed takes time.
Time we may or may not have.
Somebody died today I did not know. And now I will never know them.
The reason that I know this someone died is that someone I do know knew and loved them. And so, the passing means something to me. It matters to me. It reminds me of the fragility of life. I do not need to know a person to care that they have died. And it is more vital when it is someone I have known or is known by someone I know. I care that someone has moved upon this planet and no longer does. That someone who has been, no longer shares this human adventure. It means something to me. It matters.
Somebody died and I pray that they really knew themselves before departing. That they felt known and seen and loved. That they really knew those who peopled their life. Knew their deepest desires, dreams, griefs, and gaffs. All of it. None of it rejected. Nothing in need of correction. The quirks and the quarks. Every bit of it.
In a world of astounding yet impersonally reported death statistics I do desire to deaden myself to the many who have and will die today. Not even those that I do not personally know. It is enough for me to know that they have lived and that now they do not. That is enough to engage my caring. That is enough to touch and move my heart.
It also engages in me a deeper desire to live this day that I still have life fully, freely, curiously, openly. I seek to live it with urgency and with integrity. I live it as an open excavation into what it really means to be me. I live it as an adventure into what it is to come to really know you. To find the places where we meet in harmony, and to potentially resolve the points at which there is discrepancy. I am willing to know and to grow from this commitment to a deeper knowing.
A deeper knowing and growing while we still have time. While we still have the chance. While we are still here. While there is still opportunity to get to know ourselves and each other.
Somebody died today that I did not know.
There will most likely be some kind of funeral, memorial, ritual. People will share of what they knew about the departed. The best of what they knew. Not the totality of what they knew. That is not what is done at these times. Someone will eulogize to the best of their ability. It is appropriate. Sometimes clumsy. In some ways comforting. Those in attendance who may not have really known the person will leave with a glimpse of what that being brought to life. There will be an unconscious relief that the ritual was for someone else. That the bell did not toll for me. Yet.
I will not be in attendance. This missive is my homage to the person I did not know. The passing has moved my heart even in my unknowing. I grieve with those I know who did indeed know this precious somebody. Precious simply because they lived. I cannot and do not attempt to fill the void with words, but I can embrace the space that has been left. I embrace it with my caring. With my compassion. With my commitment to live and love more fully for the sake of the dead and those still waiting to really live. I commit to really know and be known.
There will be people reading this that do not really know me. Some are privy to their unknowing, and some actually think that they do while they in fact do not. Perhaps someone viewing these words will one day hear of my passing. Someone will say that somebody died that they did not know. That knowing and yet unknowing will come from secondhand reporting, which is what spurred this reflection. There might be others who will shed tears that this somebody they knew is no longer here. And perhaps someone may ponder that they wished that they had gotten to know this being that is now no longer here to get to know.
Somebody died today that I did not know. And yet I care. And yet this passing has sparked in me a renewed knowing that I want to know and to be known. I want to fully inhabit the time that I have. I want to use my remaining duration to live and to love courageously, relentlessly, authentically. I want to know and to embrace every last tidbit of me. I want to leave this earth realm knowing I have opened to it all.
I have known much loss this lifetime. Yet I have not lost myself. Or my ability to hold you in your losses. That I have grown good at. I know how to be with loss. I am grateful to be an open space for that.
So, if you should be here when I indeed do pass, please do not eulogize me then. Do it now. Say it to me now. Let me know what you would say. Let me know what you think you know. And together lets really dig in and get to know each other. Or we can courageously agree that the deeper knowing is really just not meant to be for us. That is valid. We can show up to it undefended. Just real. Honest. No pretense. Knowing that we will remain unknown to each other. That is in and of itself a kind of knowing. We can die to the notion we should know each other before we die.
Then we can say with integrity that someone died that I did not know. Not really. And it was by agreement. We chose to not fully know. And yet we can still care. Care that someone who has lived is no longer living. Not knowing need not be closure.
It is all a beautiful part of coming to know oneself. While there is time, chance, opportunity. For the sake of the no longer living. And for the sake of those who long to live.
