How could I have not seen it coming?
I guess I did not look closely enough below the surface.
From my earliest recollections I have always sensed things that were going to happen long before they happened. I do not see this ability as unique to me. I believe we all have it. It is just that we all do not choose to directly access it and allow ourselves to be guided by it. A big piece of this occurs when we perceive prophetically something that is going to happen that we do not want to happen. Rather than using our intuition to directly deal with the potential impact we fall into denial and suppression and self-doubt.
I know from whence I speak.
Countless times and in countless ways my internal guidance would begin to nudge me. I would feel deep within my gut an unmistakable “uh-oh.” This has involved people, circumstances, relationships, and mistruths. I would feel an inner chaos begin to churn. I would get an unmistakable signal to beware. Warning flags would wave, and alarm sirens would sound.
And I would ignore it all.
I did not want to believe that what was about to happen could actually happen. I did not want to believe that warnings against this person, direction, or potential threat would be accurate. More often than not I would doubt my guidance in the name of spiritual correctness. It took an awfully long time and mountains of pain to realize that spiritual correctness was also spiritual bypass.
To actualize the quote by the late great Maya Angelou, people would show me what and who they were, at least unconsciously, and I would not believe them. I would ignore the inner and unmistakable “run, fast” and sometimes stay for decades. To augment further my suffering, I would then make the untenable behaviors or circumstances about me. I beat myself up over what amounted to others lack of boundaries. This, of course, pointed me only to my own inability to apply autonomy and discernment where it was very clearly needed.
How could I have not seen that coming?
I did. I just did not want to see it.
When we ignore the warning signs in life the evidence of the underlying becomes more and more obvious. This is not punitive. It is reflective. It is the self-correcting nature of consciousness. The warnings are messages from our own inner wisdom telling us of what we need to beware of. We are each and every one of us perfectly and incessantly guided. It is not a lack of guidance that gives way to suffering. It is a lack of paying attention to it. If we listen and heed the toothpick it does not need to become a two-by-four.
It took a lot of two-by-fours to teach me that.
I have repeatedly chosen to share things with people who I suspected were not safe to open more deeply to.
Repeatedly.
Toothpick. Ruler. Bat. Two-by-four.
There have been people who I suspected were steeped in dishonesty and prone to gaslighting and betrayal.
Toothpick. Ruler. Bat. Two-by-four.
How could I have not seen it coming?
I did. I did see it coming. They showed me who they were, and I chose to not believe it. I chose to ignore it. I chose to take it on and to make it about me. I chose to bypass.
And then I paid the price.
It took a lot of two-by-fours to learn my lesson and fully listen to my gut and follow its leadings. I appreciate the part of me that always wants to believe the best in people. The part of me that believes that good will always win out. The part of me that first and foremost always seeks to understand and own my part in things. I consistently and relentlessly work with my resentments and projections. That is where I go first.
And sometimes when you smell a rat it is because a rat is right in front of you.
I remain committed to seeing and to invoking the absolute best in people. That is an important part of my prayer work. I also know that I need to wakefully relate to the relative. To how people show up in their personally self. To watch the warning flags and listen to the alarms. In that way I can heed the guidance, own my part in things, and choose a conscious way of relating that honors the absolute and also maintains boundaries. I am responsible for my own safety. It took a lot of two-by-fours to finally get that.
The beauty of listening and working consciously with my inner promptings is that my freedom has expanded to remain in proximity to some people who I suspect would hurt me in the name of their own advancement. By working and feeling through the initial uh-oh I find a place of safety and stability internally that knows I can sustain any potential pain that may indeed become inflicted. I make a conscious decision that I will risk potential betrayal in service of a greater becoming for me and for them. This is not martyrdom or even altruism. It is a conscious choice to remain in relationship though I know there is direct evidence of potential pain.
That potential is always true in any relationship. But there are some relationships that contain truly clear warnings to beware and to stay awake. Though these chosen risks have been few I have learned an enormous amount from them. About me, and about the human dilemma. About how we are hurt and how we are healed in relationship. About how some warnings say stay clear and others say alert and even open. These are the times I can then say that I saw it coming, and I met it accordingly.
These are turbulent and disturbing times. It is bringing out the best and the worst of people for sure. I must become more aware and spacious to meet people where they are. The potential for bad behavior is heightened. Those for whom I have already felt an oh-oh possibility I hold with particular care and sometimes with added distance. My augmented presence feels prudent. It keeps the two-by-fours from becoming necessary. I listen closely and respond accordingly.
This allows me to see it coming when it actually is, and to know I am up to the task of maintaining my sense of self regardless of what others do. I listen and heed my internal guidance, and I trust it more than ever. There are fewer surprises when I remain attentive to the below the surface energetics.
There will still be surprises for sure. But the more I pay attention to my internal wisdom the more I see it coming in advance. This gives me one of the most precious commodities of all: choice. Living below the surface helps me deal wakefully with what is happening on it. I can choose how, when, and if to show up to those I sense a warning about. Sometimes I will choose to take the risk. And sometimes I will not. But I will do so from a place of conscious choice.
Then I can say “I saw it coming, and I chose my response.”
