Wednesday, August 1, 2012

MY ODE TO ALYX

It shouldn’t have happened then.

Sunday is a day of life, renewal, of resurrection; not a day of depression, despair, and death.

It shouldn’t have happened there.

The oceans edge is the birthing bed of the cosmic womb. Every wave is whispering "live." The beach is where the infinite potential meets and gives way to the manifest expression. It is not where endless potential is brought to a bitter end

It shouldn’t have happened to you.

You were a being of incredible beauty, endless creativity, boundless generosity and compassion. You fed those who were hungry, and encouraged those who had lost hope.

It shouldn’t have happened like that.

You were a woman of passion and also of peace. Violence was not in your weave. You captured photos of it and yet it didn’t capture you.

It shouldn’t be your legacy. It will not be your legacy.

You lived a life of adventure and courage and imagination and givingness. You inspired others in countless ways. You called forth the suppressed creativity in others, and you saw splendor where others only saw the ordinary.

And even if it shouldn’t have been we are left to know indeed it is. That was the day, the place, the way in which you chose to leave this world. Your memory is now surrounded by endless and well-deserved accolades, even amid the stunned and ravaging disbelief. Did you not know of the love that constantly surrounded you? Were not able to see through the dense, impenetrable fog of your despair the gifts that you were giving to the world? Could you not from within the illness catch a glimpse of how much you mattered to those around you? Did you not for even a moment see your beauty that was reflected in the admiring eyes that looked upon you?

If only someone had known in time. If only someone had been in that place, on that day, and at that time with oh so beautiful you. To stop you. To stop you from stopping you. To tell you how wondrous and important and valuable and precious you were. To remind you in your self-amnesia how much you mattered. Someone that could have shined the light of love through the darkness of your engulfing depth of despair. To tell you that life is meant to be lived, to be loved, to be cherished, and to be preserved.

And yet it was for you to return to the realm of eternity. Your departure has startled and disturbed us in ways we are only beginning to comprehend. The waves of grief are just beginning to lap upon the shores of that place that is now so empty without you. And even in the vulnerability of this current emotional state I am opening to the gifts your living and indeed your dying have given to me. You remind me of the dark and dismal day I too stood ready to end my own depression, darkness, the despair that then so colored my life. You remind me that as self-destruction was not to be my chosen path, I must now choose that every day be a precious gift in which to give my love and live life to the fullest of my potential. I am a voice for those who are now voiceless as a result of succumbing to addiction and mental illness. You remind me to cherish every encounter, and that no meeting is ever by chance. You remind me to be liberal with my praise, and sparring with my criticism. You challenge me to transcend my internal darkness, and to continually tap into the Light of my Source. You inspire me to fuel my creativity with the passion of my Soul, and to touch others with the enthusiasm of my expression.

And mostly you remind me to stay connected to my love, and to energetically, verbally, physically, and vocally always share of this priceless commodity called life. I relish the memory of our every encounter. Many of them seemed quite by chance. And yet they were always contained in warmth, laughter, affection, and heartfulness. Those encounters mattered to me. You mattered to me, Alyx. You still matter to me and you will always matter to me. You have left an indelible legacy of beauty, creativity, and love upon this earth. And that is what will be remembered most.

Rest in Peace, my friend. Rest in peace.

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