It took me many painful years to learn the lesson that less is indeed more.
I am not speaking in terms of interior decorating, accessories, or God knows my number of pairs of shoes. I am speaking of a much more painful pairing down.
I have finally learned that less of me is more. Much less self-assessment, less self-evaluation, less approval seeking, and less caring about what others may think of me or the choices that I make.
Less thinking about me, myself, and the separate I and more of focusing on and in my Source. Less trying to do something or express something that will win accolades or applause, and more of relishing expression for the simple sake of expression.
For so long I didn’t know to what degree I was doing things to get the approval I never thought I had. It was exhausting! The successes that I did get were dampened by the lack of enthusiasm I perceived from those I was most trying to please. There was a subtle yet dynamic sense of hurriedly moving on to the next thing in hopes it would garner more praise. My entertainment career was sullied by my own relentless need for perfection and the inability to withstand the super competitive field I was in. It wasn’t art for art’s sake. It was me trying to win the acceptance, approval, and accolades I so longer for and never felt I got.
I am embarrassed to say that I brought this same need for approval and a building up of me to my early years in ministry. I do not doubt that I had and have a sincere and growing longing to serve. Yet there was also the diminished little boy who was still looking for someone to say that I was doing well, that I was making a difference. That people liked my lectures, workshops, and classes. The number of people in the seats could make or break my attitude on any given day. A consternating look would throw me into self-examination for hours.
I suffered from the misperception that it was somehow about me.
In order to be rooted in authentic service and inspired expression there simply must be less of me. Less of the personality self and less approval seeking. In order to do what I am passionately called to do I must step back and let myself be guided by the One whose approval I have had all along. I stay centered in that calling and I must not be swayed by attendance, offerings, or accolades. Today they may love me, and tomorrow they may turn their backs. It does not affect the message I am called to share. My ministry isn’t about me. It is about God. It is about the people I may touch when I stay out of the way and leave my sense of self out of it. The less I focus on me the more effective I can be for others.
And the funny thing is, the less I need approval the more I seem to receive . Does it feel nice? Sure. And, I remain in my center and I keep doing what I am called to do regardless of response. I don’t read the reviews. I don’t need to. As long as I stay true to my calling and keep showing up the Ultimate approval comes from within. As long as there is less of me there is always more of God to come shining through.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Thursday, February 23, 2017
SERVICE: THE GREAT REFINEMENT
There are so many things that they don’t dare tell you in seminary.
I will soon celebrate twenty-one years as an ordained minister. I have been blessed to be ministering full time for all of these years, doing what I truly know I am meant to be doing. It is not a job or a career for me. It is my vocation. It is my life’s purpose that I happen to be paid to do. Though it was a circuitous route to the ministry I have never doubted the intuition that brought me here. I can clearly see that everything that I have been through in my life experience has helped prepare me for this form of service. Things that never made sense at the time they were happening have been necessary puzzle pieces in the vision that I am now living. I know that as long as I am on this planet a minister I will be.
While I have always been grateful for the seminary training I received, leading to my ordination, it didn’t prepare me for many of the things I have faced within this twenty one year time frame. As an independent contractor and an unaffiliated servant for much of that time I have had to feel my way through this journey, one prayer at a time. There is no effective manual or class for the myriad kinds of situations, circumstances, predicaments, personalities, traumas, and detours that need to be faced. It has proven to be the best kind of spiritual work out, demanding that I build an internal musculature that would allow me to navigate what needed to be handled.
There are so many things they don’t dare tell you in seminary. They don’t dare tell you that every single loveless perception within you will most certainly be revealed and highlighted. They don’t tell you that people will seek counsel from you on precisely the issues that you yourself are painfully struggling with. They don’t highlight the fact that while it is a blessing to be continually soaked in the oceanic presence of spirit that same soaking can frequently feel like drowning. No one mentions the dangers of over-identifying with the position, with the size and stamina of the congregation, with the financial solvency of an often fluctuating group commitment. Oh, there may be passing mentions of some of these issues. I later suspected that there was a calculated omitting of details that would send most seminarians shrieking for the hills.
Ministry has been both glorious and painful. It has refined me in ways that I never imagined. It has pushed every button and highlighted every deficiency. It has presented me on a daily basis with choices that often felt so trying to make. It has confronted me repeatedly with the choice between personal preference and what I knew to be best thing for the greater good. It has been a day to day decision to love. To love even when people seemed so unlovable, indeed, especially when people seemed so unlovable. To love those who opposed me and those who sought to sabotage me. To love when I was triggered and to love those who helped reveal the most hidden parts of me.
To love. That is what ministry is to me. I am an administrator of love. I am here to give and to serve love. It isn’t always easy or comfortable. But it is exactly what I am meant to be and do.
I will soon celebrate twenty-one years as an ordained minister. I have been blessed to be ministering full time for all of these years, doing what I truly know I am meant to be doing. It is not a job or a career for me. It is my vocation. It is my life’s purpose that I happen to be paid to do. Though it was a circuitous route to the ministry I have never doubted the intuition that brought me here. I can clearly see that everything that I have been through in my life experience has helped prepare me for this form of service. Things that never made sense at the time they were happening have been necessary puzzle pieces in the vision that I am now living. I know that as long as I am on this planet a minister I will be.
While I have always been grateful for the seminary training I received, leading to my ordination, it didn’t prepare me for many of the things I have faced within this twenty one year time frame. As an independent contractor and an unaffiliated servant for much of that time I have had to feel my way through this journey, one prayer at a time. There is no effective manual or class for the myriad kinds of situations, circumstances, predicaments, personalities, traumas, and detours that need to be faced. It has proven to be the best kind of spiritual work out, demanding that I build an internal musculature that would allow me to navigate what needed to be handled.
There are so many things they don’t dare tell you in seminary. They don’t dare tell you that every single loveless perception within you will most certainly be revealed and highlighted. They don’t tell you that people will seek counsel from you on precisely the issues that you yourself are painfully struggling with. They don’t highlight the fact that while it is a blessing to be continually soaked in the oceanic presence of spirit that same soaking can frequently feel like drowning. No one mentions the dangers of over-identifying with the position, with the size and stamina of the congregation, with the financial solvency of an often fluctuating group commitment. Oh, there may be passing mentions of some of these issues. I later suspected that there was a calculated omitting of details that would send most seminarians shrieking for the hills.
Ministry has been both glorious and painful. It has refined me in ways that I never imagined. It has pushed every button and highlighted every deficiency. It has presented me on a daily basis with choices that often felt so trying to make. It has confronted me repeatedly with the choice between personal preference and what I knew to be best thing for the greater good. It has been a day to day decision to love. To love even when people seemed so unlovable, indeed, especially when people seemed so unlovable. To love those who opposed me and those who sought to sabotage me. To love when I was triggered and to love those who helped reveal the most hidden parts of me.
To love. That is what ministry is to me. I am an administrator of love. I am here to give and to serve love. It isn’t always easy or comfortable. But it is exactly what I am meant to be and do.
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